Disciple: Listening Without Prejudice
St. John’s, Wake Forest, teaches kids the art of compassionate conversation
By Christine McTaggart
A feeling of being unheard. A quickness to anger. A building frustration.
At first glance, it doesn’t seem that any of these things would be at the heart of something potentially life-changing, but in the case of youth at St. John’s, Wake Forest, they were.
EXTENDING THE INVITATION
St. John’s surrounding Wake Forest community is one that represents old traditions meeting new ideas; deep rural roots sharing space with urban borders; a full spectrum of political ideals; and an increasingly diverse population reflecting a wide range of backgrounds and beliefs.
In the wake of the 2016 presidential election, Wake Forest was no different from many other parts of the country where political emotions were running high. Folks were struggling to process the unpredicted results, and conversations often quickly became heated when tempers flared.
Adults were not the only ones struggling with these challenges. Kids were mirroring what they saw in others, and it was leading to a lot of stress and uncharacteristic reactions.
For Joy Shillingsburg, St. John’s quarter-time youth director, it presented an opportunity.
“I felt like we had to get talking,” said Shillingsburg. “A lot of people were in shock, and our kids were asking questions. They talked a lot about how they weren’t being listened to when they spoke in school, and so they were lashing out online, saying quick, snarky things that were not in line with who they were. They didn’t know what to do, and it was a real internal struggle. It felt familiar, because a lot of adults were having the same experience.”
Shillingsburg went to the Rev. Sarah Phelps, interim rector of St. John’s, with an idea. In Shillingsburg’s mind, what was needed was to bring people together and get them talking. But she saw no benefit if the conversation consisted only of other Episcopalians. “We needed to bring in other voices,” she said. Phelps readily agreed, and a committee was formed. It consisted of people from different generations, backgrounds and perspectives.
“I envisioned something like a storytelling hour,” explained Shillingsburg. “Our whole faith is based on a story and struggle. I think stories are the best way to bring together people of very different backgrounds and the best way to reach our kids.”
The stories were to be the focal point of an evening of storytelling by a panel of diverse voices. It was designed primarily as a youth event, its goal to model for kids how to listen to those stories without judgment or prejudice, and then use those stories as a springboard for conversation with compassion at its center. The hope was to teach the kids that no matter what background they came from, people were dealing with the same things and facing the same struggles with how to react.
Shillingsburg realized the goal of the evening was a good one, but it was going to ask of its participants a leap of faith, one that would require an openness and vulnerability among strangers. She focused on congregations with strong youth programs, reaching out to Rabbi Lucy Dinner of Temple Beth Or, Imam Mohamed AbuTaleb of the Islamic Center of Raleigh, and Leah Reed and Trae Bremer, youth directors, and Dr. Randy Bridges, senior pastor, from Rolesville Baptist Church, among others.
She wanted to include Olive Branch Baptist Church, the historically black congregation on the east side of town, as well. Wake Forest’s Mayor Vivian Jones, a member of St. John’s, knew Olive Branch’s pastor, Daimon Rawlinson. She knew, too, that he was looking for opportunities to create deeper connections between his congregation and the surrounding Wake Forest community. Jones introduced Rawlinson and Shillingsburg, and an invitation was extended for the youth of Olive Branch to join the evening of storytelling and teaching.
At the time of the invitation, the storyteller panel included a Muslim, a transgender woman and a Trump supporter as keynote speakers. Rawlinson was immediately enthusiastic about participating, but when he presented it to his board of trustees, they expressed reluctance at the many unknowns, including the potential for the evening to be anything but compassionate. They ultimately decided it was not something to which they would expose the youth of their congregation, but they did not turn their back on the attempt.
And something extraordinary happened.
Rawlinson was preaching the spring evening “Listening Without Prejudice: Practicing Compassionate Conversation” took place and could not attend the event. But despite their reservations about youth attending, several members of the board of trustees did. Their hearts were open as they listened, and even as the event was in progress, they texted Rawlinson that a mistake had been made; the kids of Olive Branch Baptist should have been there.
PROVIDING THE TOOLS
While Shillingsburg was delighted at the reaction, she did not want it to be a missed opportunity for the connection the evening hoped to create.
So she and Rawlinson worked to find common projects for their churches. By the summer of 2017, the kids of St. John’s and Olive Branch were working together as part of a summer food program at Olive Branch, where they helped feed community children twice a day, five days a week. At the end of the summer, the two congregations did a three-day, close-to-home mission outing, during which they visited Raleigh Rescue Mission, Raleigh City Farm, and the “Race: Are We So Different” exhibit at the NC Museum of Natural Sciences.
Unbeknownst to either Shillingsburg or Rawlinson, the three-day gathering would culminate in proof of the power of what they were trying to teach. On the gathering’s final day, all electronic devices were turned off, and workshop leaders did a “Listening Without Prejudice” session with the kids. While the original evening focused more on politics and religion, this session’s topic was privilege and misunderstanding. The same format was used: Shillingsburg and Rawlinson served as keynote storytellers, with Rawlinson sharing a story of discrimination and Shillingsburg a tale of white privilege. After the stories were told, they modeled the keys of compassionate conversation before breaking into groups and using 30 key questions as conversation starters.
“The kids loved it,” said Shillingsburg. “It was very structured, and it gave them a framework on how to speak with one another and introduce conversation, even if it was about things on which they had different stances.”
It also provided the kids the tools they’d need to navigate the unsettling days ahead. Because electronic devices were turned off, no one knew that as the second “Listening Without Prejudice” took place, riots were erupting in Charlottesville, Virginia.
CONNECTIONS ARE THE KEY
The relationship between St. John’s and Olive Branch continues. A joint caroling event was enjoyed in December, and more events are in the planning stages for Lent.
When asked about the keys to taking the first steps toward building community relationships, one word came to Shillingsburg’s mind: credibility. “Making cold calls to enter a relationship that might be high-stakes probably isn’t going to work,” she said. “Having a common link was key. For us, the mayor was that link, as was the imam.
“Because youth are often segregated from the main congregation, it’s our job as youth directors to connect them with the other members of their own church community and ministries. You never know what connections exist between church members and the surrounding community, and I think establishing those internal relationships are at the heart of it.
“When I look back at how our relationship evolved, it was a couple of good, trustworthy connections that made the difference.”
But however a relationship begins, Shillingsburg closed with a thought that applies to all. “Efforts can’t be hammered into people. It takes time and effort to build relationships, and they have to be organic. They have to be natural. And for the kids, they have to be fun! But they all begin with someone being given the time, space and freedom to reach out and extend the invitation. St. John’s has given that to me. I’m not even sure they realize what an amazing gift that is, and none of this would fly without it.”
Christine McTaggart is the communications director for the Diocese of North Carolina.
Tags: North Carolina Disciple
