Disciple: About Relationships

Following Jesus’ example in how we interact with each other

By Tony Hawkins

While participating in the Lay Preacher Training Initiative for the Diocese of North Carolina, I rediscovered a fundamental concept expressed by 16th-century theologian Richard Hooker’s writings on the relationship between Scripture, reason and tradition, often referred to as the three-legged stool.

I think my cohort and I experienced a renewed surgency of prayer life. In preparation for sharing God’s Word, the reading and praying of Scripture, discerning perspective, and writing led us to a deeper understanding of our relationship with our Lord.

However, the most striking to me was the intensifying relationship that personally developed with the Lord. I heard the deepening connection for us through the cohort’s “trial runs.” I asked myself, “Is it possible to have an even deeper relationship with our Lord in a temporal environment? My heavenly father has been with me always, from my mother’s womb. Because he cannot be tainted by sins of human behavior, thank goodness for his son, our redeemer, Jesus of Nazareth.”

Like a good friend in any relationship, Jesus still asks me the question at times with one word: Really? Are you sure you want to do that, go there, say that, look at that, or whatever human behavior I’m exhibiting at the time? And to disclose: Yes, I did some stupid stuff because I am confident that when he said, “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you,” he meant it. Therefore, I was in.

RELATIONSHIP: THE WORD

The confidence I have in Jesus heightens the word “relationship.” It’s a powerful term. Webster defines relationship as, “the state of being related or interrelated; the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship such as kinship; and a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings.” It does not necessarily mean love, but I endorse that’s where it is centered. “Relationship” conveys a plethora of thoughts and feelings. Although the word itself remains consistent in pronunciation, the definition is evolving as the church is evolving in its use and understanding of the same.

Scripture tells us to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31) and “love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12). I, then, have to say to Jesus: Really? My Lord, you want me in relationship with that dude?

My introduction to relationships was guided by Scripture and the Book of Common Prayer. We used the Bible and the Book of Common Prayer during family prayer. My introduction to the Book of Common Prayer was the 1928 edition. It is still my favorite. In 1969, there was the trial liturgy edition, the Green Book. And in 1979, another edition was created as the Anglican Communion was growing globally and incorporating the worldwide community. Evolution in action.

Depending on the publication date, the Book of Common Prayer’s inclusion of supporting Scripture(s) disclosed the sentiments of relationship, framing the minds of and for the user. This is exactly what Hooker expressed.

What’s interesting is that the word “relationship” is not used nor stated in either Scripture or the Book of Common Prayer. However, we notice relationships. We see them and are encouraged to establish them as we live this thing called life. What needs to be examined is: Are we creating relationships today?

THE RECIPE FOR RELATIONSHIP

Why are we still struggling to love our neighbors as ourselves? Author and inspirational speaker Simon Sinek says to start with “why?” He also writes about a weathered truth that we make decisions based on what we think we know. Our perceived truths can be folly and prevent us from following through on relationships. Be it preconceived notions, rumors or stereotypical imaginings, because of them, we lose opportunities for growth, adventure, hearing new music, tasting a different meal or an introduction to a new culture. All because we think we know about the other. We don’t know what we don’t know.

Jesus asks Peter three times, “Peter, do you love me?” Peter responds three times, “Yes Lord, I love you.” Peter becomes somewhat flushed on the last one, however, as Jesus simply responded to Peter’s reply each time with, “Feed my sheep.” Jesus was stating, do not let a preconceived notion nor bias prevent you from establishing a relationship with my flock. They need to hear and know about the Kingdom of Heaven.

Upon reflection, Peter had to ask himself: Why not me? Author Laura Beth Jones writes about how the willingness to enter into whatever God wants is one of the hallmarks of spiritual leadership. Are we being a leader when we love our neighbor as ourselves? Are we leading when we take the initiative in establishing a relationship?

A lot of people today are hungry for relationship. A recent, and interesting, example was observing two older couples leave a parish to move closer to their children and grandchildren. That was the headline. Reading deeper into the story, you could see after a number of years in one place, one church, one community, it was difficult for these couples to pack up, pick up and go. Surely it was going to be nice living next to family, but what about those things and life stuff that were being left behind after being established over the years? What relationships were the older adults leaving behind in order to establish new relationships in an unknown environment? Was it fair? Would the parent/grandparent have the support of the child/grandchild in this new endeavor?

A lot of older adults understand that love guides relationships. And the 2007 Partnership Ratings Scales based on Gallup polling recognized great partnerships included the same crucial ingredients: complementary strengths, a common mission, fairness, trust, acceptance, forgiveness, communication and unselfishness.

Couple those partnership ingredients with firm relationship principles, and you will have discovered what Rabbi Daniel Lapin pronounces in his writings as things that do not change, which includes everything about human beings, everything about God and the spiritual, and everything about our earthly home. That is not to say that individual humans or the environment don’t change; they do. It is the principles governing human behavior and the way the world works that are unchanging. Yet undoubtedly, we serve a God who is the same today as yesterday and will be forever: unchanging.

Things that change, such as science, technology and medicine, change about every six months. The changes are absorbed because they rely and are dependent on the unchangeable. So, too, the relationships we have and will establish must be built on the foundation of the unchangeable.

People have resorted to looking for locations that facilitate social interaction—hopefully leading to relationships—outside of where they live or work, places of “public relaxation.” These third spaces are beginning to be recognized as places where you encounter “regulars,” or frequenters of a space, as well as potential new connections. Examples of third places include churches, cafes, libraries, gyms, bookstores, parks and theaters, among others.

Since the church is mentioned as an example of a third place, those who are in a church can demonstrate the behavior of loving the neighbor as themselves and welcoming the person who is looking for a meaningful relationship outside of where they live or work. Some may call it beloved community; some may say it’s feeding the sheep. Following Jesus’ example, the sheep are fed and sent home full.

Relationship in its simplest form is found in Matthew 22:37-39: “Jesus replied, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

And in the Book of Common Prayer (p.856):

Q. What is prayer?
A. Prayer is responding to God, by thought and by deeds, with or without words.

Following Jesus’ example, we love, we pray, we fast, and we engage others in pursuit of the God who never leaves or forsakes us. The transformative power of our self-discovery comes from the pursuit of personally fulfilling the work God has given us to do. In finding, pursuing and establishing relationships, we begin to love him with all our heart, soul and mind, while loving our neighbor as ourselves. That’s the mission. That’s our job. And the rewards are heavenly, enhanced by the relational role in the endeavor.

Tony Hawkins is a member of St. Stephen’s, Durham, and a lay preacher in the Diocese of North Carolina. Contact him via the communications department.